Oh Snap! Hillshire Farms Is Full Of Negroes--OBAMA

Hold Up!!!!

Did You see the Hillshire farm ad!!! Ain't no brat like a Hillshire Farm brat cus the Miller High Life is boiled in!!

Hell yes, apparently with Obama in office we have put a ruse over our paler complected brethren. Now we got them sellin brats infused with MILLER HIGH LIFE. I thought I was the only one with miller high life boiled into me.......AT Asylum.......On Saturdays!!! That is until they give me the bill for being a general public embarrassment.

OK.......I know......I haven't been her in a while, but I was on the love train. And now I'm off. No Comment. Just this, when people fall in love they become shitty poets and comics, and I considered myself both. Apparently that also covers bloggers. Bye tree man

Well, I'm 30 bitches and I'm back. I'm gonna try to be fierce and happy, although right now I'm mostly angry, but hey, that's what paxil is for!!

One woman show

Back to my old obsession

ME

I went to lovely a play Today called, NOW WHAT. Alone. Per usual. People always think I'm lyin when I say I go to so many events alone. Plays, movies, bars(not in the sad way, I just like dinner at bars). It's funny how a bookstore is OK, but a movie tends to mean that you are borderline suicidal.

ANYWAY

The play was a one man show where this young guy talks about his last couple months in an autobiographical narration. This particular play piggybacks his previous totally self consumed play in which he talked about the months I assume that led up to this play. In watching the play I sort of thought how this was a pretty F-ing arrogant 60 minutes. Basically he invited everyone to share in his recollection of his internal dialogues corresponding to what was going on his his life. It was entertaining, but more so I thought......I COULD DO THAT!!!!!

Then I thought, but I haven't, because apparently unlike this guy I lack the necessary level of follow through to complete my creative endeavors. Ohhhhhh and I got endeavors. Clothing lines and children's stories. I got screen plays and mixed media art shows ALL in the works. The works meaning my mind. My mind meaning.....nowhere. And I was busy thinking about boys. How old am I......boys. Men. Thinking about men. And what's funny is...when I think about a relationship I am crippled by fear. Fear that having a man in my life will slowly chip away the me that I grown to become. The me that love to go out on Black Friday to watch other people shop,but doesn't shop herself. The me that squeals with delight when the power goes out at work because it makes the day a little more interesting. The me that secretly has sick pleasure in the middle of being berated for valid or invalid reason because it's interesting to see people really just really lose.

None of that really seems to be something that would have to stop in a relationship, right? I know. But I think of all of that and I think of all that I am and I'm happy alone.

And then I get scared, again, about being alone FOREVER and what's worse is that it might not be so bad. IT may be great! But I'm a girl(yet again I'm grown). I'm a woman! More than that I'm a woman nearing the age of thinking about children! Children!!! I haven't stopped using the tired ass Dave Chappelle line, "HEY BABY", every time I see one. When I excuse myself past toddlers in the mall I say, "EXCUSE ME BABY" in my most formal tone. I tell my friends that I will only look at two pictures of any child they think is adorable when they break out the pictures from the last family gathering. You get it, I'm not in love with babies. But I am in love with family. I'm in love with talking to my Daddy about his new IPOD and how when he listening to Patti LaBelle sing it made him feel free. I love hearing my sister call me three times in a row to tell me what she figured out she wanted for Christmas. I'd love to share in a family. I'd love to love a person and bring them through this Life with GOD and help them give their gift to the world...........but..........I'm still working on my gift to the world........and I have no Co-gift-giver-creator( i.e. husband). There so many variables, so many unknowns to think of without going crazy, which ironically would give me some sick satisfaction to see, but only if I wasn't me, but me watching someone else goiong crazy in the fashion of me. NOT the point!

So Now What?

So I'm still in progress. I'm still at work. In Life. On being me. On knowing me. And I'm surrounded by so much love and so much positive energy sometimes I think, "How could I ever think I'm Alone"

Just like crazy on a Wednesday Night

Right....So

My stepsis tells me I am a serial obesessor(that's not a word, I don't think) Ever since I spoke to the tree man* I can't get him out of my mind!! I erased his phone number from my phone so as to not call him, then I just hoped he'd call all week long. I contemplated doing an online people search to find him again....crazy...right?

Last week I just finished a four month process of obsessing over finding a new house. I just became satisfied with my efforts at being a good waitress at my night job. I've been feeling fairly succesful in my obsessing over my career.

So, here I am, obsessing over my current unknown.....my partner. My homie, lover, friend is what I'm obsessing over now. Anybody who knows me knows that for me solo is more a state of mind than a state of being. I go out all the time. I could be on a date right now for all I care. IT's not the quantity, it's the quality and for some reason my mind has decided to focus every molecule of my being now on tree man.

Maybe he might care, maybe he doesn't. My stepsis said men are simple. "He's just not that into you". My Dad said men are complicated. "He probably wants to see if he has mind control over you to feed his ego." My sister said for me to just not worry about it. "You just bought a House"

And the whole time I'm too busy thinking..."Maybe he lost his phone...or has a girlfriend...or has a boyfriend(life is crazy)...or up and eloped like my old roomate......or is trying to get me back for decideding to not talk to him for a little while so that I could exit the relationshipal situation I was in when I first became interested in him......or he just ain't thinkin about me...or that last text was a bad idea......Or......or he temporarily moved to New York to be a scab stage hand on the set of The Color Purple ...BECAUSE unbeknownst to me Oprah is his third cousin and he'd be damned if those curtains didn't open!!!!!

I'm Obsessing

I'm Crazy

I'm Going to BED

Make a wish

Soooo, I cry at evey commercial that talks about family, love, and contentment. Every one!! Sometimes I will catch the last thirty seconds of commercials and break out in tears. Sometimes it's the first 30 secs. I love that "Favorite Things" commercial that Visa or American Express or some other credit company has to help finacially irresponsible people get further in debt. Not the point , but God bless America, right.


Anyway, I amaze myself at how moved I get with hope. IT's the same hope that drives people to those gut wrenching tears at weddings. Selfishly hopeful!! I used to laugh at my sister and mom when they would cry at movies. I was always thinking how funny it was for someone to get so affected by fiction, false reality. Then one day, I'm not sure when, not sure what movie, I cried. Shortly after, I was cryin at everything. Sometimes I would be telling friends about what happened in a book and get misty!!

But now I know what kind of hope it is. It is hope that those feelings of Joy and Contentment can still course through a persons' heart. It's hope that one day, it can happen to you. That someone will say that to you.

And in this Holiday season I have so many hopes that I would love for someone or something to make come true, but I also have charge. I am ordinated to do what I can to create hopeful moments in the lives of those around me. We all have the opportunity to present words and gestures that show that there is good in the world and hope is alive!!

That almost makes we want to cry.......I probably will :) ......but it's all right

PEACE

The Good Life

“Oh what a feelin’ I’m feelin’ Life!!” Jay Z

Well, long time no see on here right. NEWS FLASH: I’m officially a homeowner. As of this past Wednesday I signed my next 30 years over to a lovely little property in the heart of DC, well near the heart. My own home. A 28 year old independent woman. Good job, car and now a new home. Who could ask for anything more, but there I was asking.

It’s interesting how selfish we can be as humans. I’d been pushing for four months to have everything go right so that I could get this place and I finally get here and ……….I’m sad. Sad, for what, right? I’m sad for not getting called back by the guy* I really liked who called me unexpectedly at Thanksgiving and I suggested we get a tree for my house and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m sad for the job I had my third interview with on the phone just to hear them ask me if I minded, maybe, starting in store to get my foot in the door (which I turned down). I’m sad because my sister helped me pick out perfect décor and everything fit in just fine and the house was beautiful and it was perfect, but not perfect

I was ALONE

I realized that all that time I spent in that little room in that big house focused me, outside of what was, to what could be. I moved to DC from Virginia broke, exhausted, and grateful to not be getting financially raped by my apartment complex in Virginia. The day I moved was 1 day before payday and my sister was in the car with me and she said, “You don’t have gas in the car”, to which I said, “Because I have no MONEY!” You don’t even want know about what happened when she asked about food!! And look at me now!! HOMEOWNER! I’m paid!! (Well, not broke), got great friends, and I have lots of laughs.

I just felt like these walls, my walls, will bear witness to all of the changes in my life. These walls will stand to see me fall in love and marry and bear kids, maybe my kid may live here if I move to something bigger and better. BUT, these walls could see me fall into a stagnant lonely pattern of life. A life of lonely dinners, no children to speak of, and reflections of aspirations for myself unfulfilled. How bleak is that, but that was my thought process. Jacked up right?

My dad said that we all want to compound our good fortune. We want the house, the tree man*(noted above), and the new job. But, that’s not really life. It all takes time and takes work and it happens when it happens.

But Today is day five and the curtains are up, I just got home from a date (unfortunately it wasn’t the previously mentioned guy I really liked, but he was nice), my DVR recorded “I love New York” and the heat is kickin’!!

Life is good. I’m Blessed and I’m Home………….Finally

Remote thoughts

Sooooooooo……I’m back. From a journey I guess. It’s funny because whereas proverbially I’m back, but also I am back in my home…alone..again. That is aside from my roommate who eloped three months ago and her husband who we’ve both only known for a week and three months. You do the math J

It’s funny because I’ve written poems about how I’ve had toothbrushes that last longer than my relationships. In all honesty though, I feel like relationships are almost as important as my toothbrush. I’m here alone and it’s fine. I don’t mind alone, alone is good if you are patient for what is right. I was in something good, but not love. He thought I was alright, but not great. When he wouldn’t let me hold the remote I knew it, I knew he wasn’t for me, and I knew I wasn’t for him. Because that's love in my book.

The damn remote, the gauntlet, of my relationship. And I love TV!!!!!

I peel into these layers when I’m alone and I see myself and I feel good. Whole.

I’m about to buy a house next month. I am currently in escrow and I feel as though I am being propelled forward in life. I feel it. I know there is more. I know there’s more purpose and more opportunity. More opportunity to get it right.

Now I have a little time to think……And watch TV…..with my own remote.

Ya got me partner!!

Wow, well, It's been a while since I blogged. The good thing is, things are great with this nice man I've been hanging out with. It's amazing sometimes how a person can choose to like you, choose you, even amidst all of the foolishness goin on all around....Life is grand!!!

---That just happened!!----(Ricky Bobby)

Reciprocity

“It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard.” A la Lauren Hill. I thought I was close again people. I met a man. I met a nice man who seemed to like my style and really be interested in getting to know me. Yet alas, I have been misled again. He’s another text message fiend. Loving nothing more than fitting me between conversations underneath the table with friends. “Thinkin’ about you”, but only for a moment. Not long enough to call. Never enough time to call. Now I’m left to my own devises again to figure out what keeps going wrong. Again. “Tell me who I have to be to gain some reciprocity”. I’m too self-protective now days to really subject myself to too much foolishness. Not necessarily because I’m that tough, but more so because my heart is more fragile now. It wants nurturing love in a way that it hadn’t before. My heart is raw and open in a way that causes me to protect it like a newborn baby.

I have been in constant questioning about my life and the path that I’m taking. Sometimes wondering why certain hurtful things happen, then on the flip side being thankful for those negative experiences because they helped me learn how strong I was.
It helped me learn what the human spirit can endure. So I guess it’s cool. I’ll get that job that I want and that man that also wants to be my friend and I’ll be fine right? Maybe. I think life is unpredictable and the nice man that decided he likes club crazy girls and diplomats over my hilarious ass will get what he deserves and so will I.

Truth is we are created in God’s image……. perfect, yet unrealized. We all just gotta wait for people to wake up. And pick up the fuckin phone. No texts allowed.

[Send] that…bitch :)

CG1