The Empty Cup

Oh Snap! Hillshire Farms Is Full Of Negroes--OBAMA

2009-06-16T01:00:00.003-04:00

Hold Up!!!!

Did You see the Hillshire farm ad!!! Ain't no brat like a Hillshire Farm brat cus the Miller High Life is boiled in!!

Hell yes, apparently with Obama in office we have put a ruse over our paler complected brethren. Now we got them sellin brats infused with MILLER HIGH LIFE. I thought I was the only one with miller high life boiled into me.......AT Asylum.......On Saturdays!!! That is until they give me the bill for being a general public embarrassment.

OK.......I know......I haven't been her in a while, but I was on the love train. And now I'm off. No Comment. Just this, when people fall in love they become shitty poets and comics, and I considered myself both. Apparently that also covers bloggers. Bye tree man

Well, I'm 30 bitches and I'm back. I'm gonna try to be fierce and happy, although right now I'm mostly angry, but hey, that's what paxil is for!!

One woman show

2007-12-09T21:28:00.000-05:00

Back to my old obsession

ME

I went to lovely a play Today called, NOW WHAT. Alone. Per usual. People always think I'm lyin when I say I go to so many events alone. Plays, movies, bars(not in the sad way, I just like dinner at bars). It's funny how a bookstore is OK, but a movie tends to mean that you are borderline suicidal.

ANYWAY

The play was a one man show where this young guy talks about his last couple months in an autobiographical narration. This particular play piggybacks his previous totally self consumed play in which he talked about the months I assume that led up to this play. In watching the play I sort of thought how this was a pretty F-ing arrogant 60 minutes. Basically he invited everyone to share in his recollection of his internal dialogues corresponding to what was going on his his life. It was entertaining, but more so I thought......I COULD DO THAT!!!!!

Then I thought, but I haven't, because apparently unlike this guy I lack the necessary level of follow through to complete my creative endeavors. Ohhhhhh and I got endeavors. Clothing lines and children's stories. I got screen plays and mixed media art shows ALL in the works. The works meaning my mind. My mind meaning.....nowhere. And I was busy thinking about boys. How old am I......boys. Men. Thinking about men. And what's funny is...when I think about a relationship I am crippled by fear. Fear that having a man in my life will slowly chip away the me that I grown to become. The me that love to go out on Black Friday to watch other people shop,but doesn't shop herself. The me that squeals with delight when the power goes out at work because it makes the day a little more interesting. The me that secretly has sick pleasure in the middle of being berated for valid or invalid reason because it's interesting to see people really just really lose.

None of that really seems to be something that would have to stop in a relationship, right? I know. But I think of all of that and I think of all that I am and I'm happy alone.

And then I get scared, again, about being alone FOREVER and what's worse is that it might not be so bad. IT may be great! But I'm a girl(yet again I'm grown). I'm a woman! More than that I'm a woman nearing the age of thinking about children! Children!!! I haven't stopped using the tired ass Dave Chappelle line, "HEY BABY", every time I see one. When I excuse myself past toddlers in the mall I say, "EXCUSE ME BABY" in my most formal tone. I tell my friends that I will only look at two pictures of any child they think is adorable when they break out the pictures from the last family gathering. You get it, I'm not in love with babies. But I am in love with family. I'm in love with talking to my Daddy about his new IPOD and how when he listening to Patti LaBelle sing it made him feel free. I love hearing my sister call me three times in a row to tell me what she figured out she wanted for Christmas. I'd love to share in a family. I'd love to love a person and bring them through this Life with GOD and help them give their gift to the world...........but..........I'm still working on my gift to the world........and I have no Co-gift-giver-creator( i.e. husband). There so many variables, so many unknowns to think of without going crazy, which ironically would give me some sick satisfaction to see, but only if I wasn't me, but me watching someone else goiong crazy in the fashion of me. NOT the point!

So Now What?

So I'm still in progress. I'm still at work. In Life. On being me. On knowing me. And I'm surrounded by so much love and so much positive energy sometimes I think, "How could I ever think I'm Alone"

Just like crazy on a Wednesday Night

2007-12-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

Right....So

My stepsis tells me I am a serial obesessor(that's not a word, I don't think) Ever since I spoke to the tree man* I can't get him out of my mind!! I erased his phone number from my phone so as to not call him, then I just hoped he'd call all week long. I contemplated doing an online people search to find him again....crazy...right?

Last week I just finished a four month process of obsessing over finding a new house. I just became satisfied with my efforts at being a good waitress at my night job. I've been feeling fairly succesful in my obsessing over my career.

So, here I am, obsessing over my current unknown.....my partner. My homie, lover, friend is what I'm obsessing over now. Anybody who knows me knows that for me solo is more a state of mind than a state of being. I go out all the time. I could be on a date right now for all I care. IT's not the quantity, it's the quality and for some reason my mind has decided to focus every molecule of my being now on tree man.

Maybe he might care, maybe he doesn't. My stepsis said men are simple. "He's just not that into you". My Dad said men are complicated. "He probably wants to see if he has mind control over you to feed his ego." My sister said for me to just not worry about it. "You just bought a House"

And the whole time I'm too busy thinking..."Maybe he lost his phone...or has a girlfriend...or has a boyfriend(life is crazy)...or up and eloped like my old roomate......or is trying to get me back for decideding to not talk to him for a little while so that I could exit the relationshipal situation I was in when I first became interested in him......or he just ain't thinkin about me...or that last text was a bad idea......Or......or he temporarily moved to New York to be a scab stage hand on the set of The Color Purple ...BECAUSE unbeknownst to me Oprah is his third cousin and he'd be damned if those curtains didn't open!!!!!

I'm Obsessing

I'm Crazy

I'm Going to BED

Make a wish

2007-12-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

Soooo, I cry at evey commercial that talks about family, love, and contentment. Every one!! Sometimes I will catch the last thirty seconds of commercials and break out in tears. Sometimes it's the first 30 secs. I love that "Favorite Things" commercial that Visa or American Express or some other credit company has to help finacially irresponsible people get further in debt. Not the point , but God bless America, right.

Anyway, I amaze myself at how moved I get with hope. IT's the same hope that drives people to those gut wrenching tears at weddings. Selfishly hopeful!! I used to laugh at my sister and mom when they would cry at movies. I was always thinking how funny it was for someone to get so affected by fiction, false reality. Then one day, I'm not sure when, not sure what movie, I cried. Shortly after, I was cryin at everything. Sometimes I would be telling friends about what happened in a book and get misty!!

But now I know what kind of hope it is. It is hope that those feelings of Joy and Contentment can still course through a persons' heart. It's hope that one day, it can happen to you. That someone will say that to you.

And in this Holiday season I have so many hopes that I would love for someone or something to make come true, but I also have charge. I am ordinated to do what I can to create hopeful moments in the lives of those around me. We all have the opportunity to present words and gestures that show that there is good in the world and hope is alive!!

That almost makes we want to cry.......I probably will :) ......but it's all right

PEACE

The Good Life

2007-12-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

“Oh what a feelin’ I’m feelin’ Life!!” Jay Z

Well, long time no see on here right. NEWS FLASH: I’m officially a homeowner. As of this past Wednesday I signed my next 30 years over to a lovely little property in the heart of DC, well near the heart. My own home. A 28 year old independent woman. Good job, car and now a new home. Who could ask for anything more, but there I was asking.

It’s interesting how selfish we can be as humans. I’d been pushing for four months to have everything go right so that I could get this place and I finally get here and ……….I’m sad. Sad, for what, right? I’m sad for not getting called back by the guy* I really liked who called me unexpectedly at Thanksgiving and I suggested we get a tree for my house and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m sad for the job I had my third interview with on the phone just to hear them ask me if I minded, maybe, starting in store to get my foot in the door (which I turned down). I’m sad because my sister helped me pick out perfect décor and everything fit in just fine and the house was beautiful and it was perfect, but not perfect

I was ALONE

I realized that all that time I spent in that little room in that big house focused me, outside of what was, to what could be. I moved to DC from Virginia broke, exhausted, and grateful to not be getting financially raped by my apartment complex in Virginia. The day I moved was 1 day before payday and my sister was in the car with me and she said, “You don’t have gas in the car”, to which I said, “Because I have no MONEY!” You don’t even want know about what happened when she asked about food!! And look at me now!! HOMEOWNER! I’m paid!! (Well, not broke), got great friends, and I have lots of laughs.

I just felt like these walls, my walls, will bear witness to all of the changes in my life. These walls will stand to see me fall in love and marry and bear kids, maybe my kid may live here if I move to something bigger and better. BUT, these walls could see me fall into a stagnant lonely pattern of life. A life of lonely dinners, no children to speak of, and reflections of aspirations for myself unfulfilled. How bleak is that, but that was my thought process. Jacked up right?

My dad said that we all want to compound our good fortune. We want the house, the tree man*(noted above), and the new job. But, that’s not really life. It all takes time and takes work and it happens when it happens.

But Today is day five and the curtains are up, I just got home from a date (unfortunately it wasn’t the previously mentioned guy I really liked, but he was nice), my DVR recorded “I love New York” and the heat is kickin’!!

Life is good. I’m Blessed and I’m Home………….Finally

Remote thoughts

2007-09-27T20:34:00.000-04:00

Sooooooooo……I’m back. From a journey I guess. It’s funny because whereas proverbially I’m back, but also I am back in my home…alone..again. That is aside from my roommate who eloped three months ago and her husband who we’ve both only known for a week and three months. You do the math J

It’s funny because I’ve written poems about how I’ve had toothbrushes that last longer than my relationships. In all honesty though, I feel like relationships are almost as important as my toothbrush. I’m here alone and it’s fine. I don’t mind alone, alone is good if you are patient for what is right. I was in something good, but not love. He thought I was alright, but not great. When he wouldn’t let me hold the remote I knew it, I knew he wasn’t for me, and I knew I wasn’t for him. Because that's love in my book.

The damn remote, the gauntlet, of my relationship. And I love TV!!!!!

I peel into these layers when I’m alone and I see myself and I feel good. Whole.

I’m about to buy a house next month. I am currently in escrow and I feel as though I am being propelled forward in life. I feel it. I know there is more. I know there’s more purpose and more opportunity. More opportunity to get it right.

Now I have a little time to think……And watch TV…..with my own remote.

Ya got me partner!!

2007-07-19T01:03:00.000-04:00

Wow, well, It's been a while since I blogged. The good thing is, things are great with this nice man I've been hanging out with. It's amazing sometimes how a person can choose to like you, choose you, even amidst all of the foolishness goin on all around....Life is grand!!!

---That just happened!!----(Ricky Bobby)

Reciprocity

2007-05-24T20:28:00.000-04:00

“It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard.” A la Lauren Hill. I thought I was close again people. I met a man. I met a nice man who seemed to like my style and really be interested in getting to know me. Yet alas, I have been misled again. He’s another text message fiend. Loving nothing more than fitting me between conversations underneath the table with friends. “Thinkin’ about you”, but only for a moment. Not long enough to call. Never enough time to call. Now I’m left to my own devises again to figure out what keeps going wrong. Again. “Tell me who I have to be to gain some reciprocity”. I’m too self-protective now days to really subject myself to too much foolishness. Not necessarily because I’m that tough, but more so because my heart is more fragile now. It wants nurturing love in a way that it hadn’t before. My heart is raw and open in a way that causes me to protect it like a newborn baby.

I have been in constant questioning about my life and the path that I’m taking. Sometimes wondering why certain hurtful things happen, then on the flip side being thankful for those negative experiences because they helped me learn how strong I was.
It helped me learn what the human spirit can endure. So I guess it’s cool. I’ll get that job that I want and that man that also wants to be my friend and I’ll be fine right? Maybe. I think life is unpredictable and the nice man that decided he likes club crazy girls and diplomats over my hilarious ass will get what he deserves and so will I.

Truth is we are created in God’s image……. perfect, yet unrealized. We all just gotta wait for people to wake up. And pick up the fuckin phone. No texts allowed.

[Send] that…bitch :)

CG1

Yaayyyyyyyyyyyyy

2007-04-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

I think I had a date yesterday. Hmmmmmm. Well, Let me say that I’ve been out a couple times in the last couple months with a couple different people, but this happened to be a real date.

I went out with this nice man that I had been promising to hang out with, but never managing to come through. Yesterday, I kept my word.

Here’s what made it a real date. From the moment he saw me he almost seemed impressed. He excelled past me to open doors and was so sneaky to pay the bill when I went to the bathroom. He just wanted to have a good time with me. He listened to me ramble on and interjected when he felt necessary. He told me I was intriguing and smart and he loved to hear me laugh.

What made it a date was that I thought he believed it. I thought that there was no other place that he would rather be. No other person that he would rather be with.

I haven’t felt like that in a long time.

He didn’t give me too much crap for leaning over to drink from my straw every time I took a sip from my drink or act like I was a narcissistic jerk when I said that someone didn’t like me because they were just jealous of me (which I really believed was the truth). He didn’t request me to wear high heels or complain about the movie I picked.

He was just nice and chill and into, well, me.

I’m at a crossroad in my life right now. I’m making very big decisions and trying to live my American dream. It has been trying. I watch a lot of movies to make myself feel better and I never really understood why, but now I think I do. What makes a particular set of days, a movie, is that the days that have been presented before you are like all the other days. Be it, in a bank or a racetrack or a department store. The same life that the main character has been living all the days before. The difference is that something, in those days, in this movie are the beginning of events that will change the rest of that main characters life. I love that I get to see that. The beginning. The change. I want that.

Yesterday, that started out like any other day, hanging out with some nice guy became a great date and gave me hope for everything else.

Maybe my days have started

Cg1

I cried during ATL

2007-04-14T21:15:00.000-04:00

I finally saw ATL and I thought it was great!!!! It really embodies southern culture and the lifestyles of Black folks. Being from North Carolina, it is kind of nice revisitings to my southern childhood. Nights atthe skating rink, house parties, and warm evenings spent with warm men. The south had Men that would have bad days and want to see their girls, not playstation, weed, and their boys. It's an odd state that Black men, maybe all men are in, but enough of that.

ATL was so sweet. Watching the affection of the guys towards one another was so moving. Seeing a man really feelin' one girl and being so vunerable just made me so happy. I'm a sap. I love love. And even more than that I love Black men. It was so encouraging to see that the Black Man factory had put in overtime to make beautiful men with skin that looked like it was sprayed with light oils every hour on the hour. Personally, I don't hold preconceived notions about who I will end up with. But for real I want a man who I can be at a cookout with and say "Lemme get one rib, you got change for a hundred, I shole is hungry," and he's know what I'm talking about.

I hope all of you know :) SMILES

CG1

SNAFU

2007-03-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

Can I outrun my pain………on an elliptical machine at my health spa? I had an awful day at work where all of the integrity of my work was questioned. Appreciated by everyone, but those who seem to matter PROFESSIONALLY. My job is to inspire yet everything they feed me is uninspiring. I want out. I’ve wanted out, but what do I want into?

Man fuck this Shit!!!!!!……{mood: angry}

My life is great compared to last year, but last year was kinda jacked and the year before that was totally jacked. This year is just routine. My dad says routine is better than all jacked up. Sure, but isn’t miserably just getting through each grueling day pretty sucky too. I know, I know. I have a glamorous seeming job (to some) and even a very fulfilling night job. I still want more. I wish sometimes that I didn’t expect so much for my life so it wouldn’t be so disappointing day in and day out surviving and paying bills. Just surviving. Just paying bills.

All I do is complain……….{mood: ashamed}

I’m disappointed in myself. I always thought I had that optimistic edge, but now I feel like I’m that person on the skating rink that fell over for the hundredth time and is too embarrassed and tired to struggle back up so I just watch everybody else circle and pass.

My friend told me that Oprah was making dreams come true and I asked him what he would ask for and he said to fire his boss and him be made the boss. I thought it was a bit of a little dream. I told him I would ask for a new life with the same family and friends.

But, would it really be any better? Am I damning myself?……….{mood: sad}

I don’t know…. God help me
I’ll run faster…………{mood: tired}

Glimmer

2007-03-13T01:02:00.000-04:00

I just arrived home after heading waaaaaaay out to the area that I at one time worked. One of my co-workers/friend is moving to Florida. Upon arrival to the area I stopped and visited with several of my old, good and by goegraphical distance only separated friends. This is what I thought of it:

Night falls and the forest sways in the wind
Ancient groans bellowing from deep within
I am consumed at times by darkness
Hand in front of me and I am not clear
Where all of this ends and I begin
Then morning creeps through parting the sea of confusion
The first glimmer of hope on the horizon that promises more
And I am saved once again
Warm and glowing

I am so loved and sometimes I complain and a lot of times I complain on here. But, to be perfectly honest, I have encountered some of the best people life can offer. And the funny thing is, those people think that I'm great. Those people that I value the very seconds that they take out to share with me, feel the same way.....about me. I may not be that great at boyfriends and not too sure about my career, but I think I got this friend thing on lock. God has blessed me with wonderful friends, that not only like me, but respect me.

And tonight, I sit in quiet celebration as I prepare for the departure of another person that has been a pillar in my life. Sister, friend, Girl Friday and now pen pal. Ms. "This is why I'm Hot" herself has left the building :) :(

cg1

Fortune's Fool

2007-03-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

I am without resolve lately.(What's new?)

I saw a glimmer of something I thought was to be beautiful in my future, but I think my mind may have been playing tricks on me. While in this state I wrote this, “Everything costs, but love is free-ing” Now I’m beginning to believe that one step forward of good inevitably leads to two stumbles backwards.

It is starting to feel like I am being pigeonholed into my own so called life. Everyone around me thinks my job is great and I’m great at it. Everyone thinks I’m pretty and I have a great positive view on life. Many think I’m funny and most think I have an eventful life.

I don’t know………….it’s all boring me now……….empty

No one wants me to venture into the unknown, but as of yet, no one has offered me any resolution for my current discontentment.

Finally, I’m not super poor, not under a terrible boss, not unprepared, not disadvantaged and now I truly feel lost because all I’m left with are my own feelings. My feelings of disappointment of desires unfulfilled.

I sometimes wish I could be like those people that get boyfriends and just follow them in whatever they are doing. It’s like the punkass copout American way women are given. –“Well, Richard got relocated for his new job so I gave up mine.” Oh how lucky it is to just throw in the towel in the name of LOVE. When you’re single and decide you want to move to a new city to try something different you’re just reckless and everyone’s worried you’re gonna turn around and need money from them.

WOW…how sad

It’s easier to sell your soul to the whims of your partner then to forge your life anew.

I just want out of all this. I feel like I’m in a battlefield at work and everywhere you step you have to watch out for mines. I’m constantly preparing for the next attack. Never fully trusting even my closest associates and waiting for the day when something goes too wrong. The bad part is……………..this is an average day. It’s not like things are this way under a particular person or place. It’s the business and it’s made me tough, but after five years also tired of it.

Relationships have not been much different. It’s always too little, too late.

Well, something’s got to give. I’m going to get a resolution soon. SOON or I’m going to have to kick a fucking exit door straight through the middle of everyone’s expectations of what path I need to take. Because this shit is getting old. Way too old for me to continue this way.

Fortune’s fool

Cg1

No Betta Blues

2007-03-07T23:58:00.000-05:00

I’m just trying live and not go crazy!!!

I feel as though I’m in some elaborate life hoax where every man that I have ever liked or thought I loved comes back to me. Probably as I had hoped for during their particular era. Now, in my present life, here come my ghosts of lovers past all damaged and broken. All of them wanting me to put their humpty dumpty asses back together again.

Well, I won’t be “Mo Betta Blues-ed” by these dudes. You know how in this movie the character that Denzel Washington played basically acted a fool. He was sleeping with all sorts of women, lying, and cheating. Then all of a sudden he gets his lip busted and his world falls apart. Once HE feels ready he comes back to his good ole’ bottom bitch, after not calling or returning her calls or letters for a year, and wants to make a life with her. And she takes him back and they get married and have babies and live happily ever after.

BULLSHIT

I’m not some shelter for these dudes souls. I have to worry about myself. I’m not interested in how they’ve missed me or how they’ve thought of me because it means little to nothing now. There is so much water under the bridge that the bridge is under the damn water.

I’m at this strange crossroad where all the men my age have kids, guts, and egos. Then, all the men I’m attracted to are kids, with no homes, and some tendency that reiterates the fact that I’m way too old to be dating them. I know, it’s pretty bad. But, the young ones aren’t jaded. The young ones still want to be friends with women, not just sexual partners. The young ones still want to go out and do the things that you have in common with you. The young ones are not afraid yet to share who they are.

But I’m old and I can’t date the young ones.

But I refuse to date the unfunny, weed smoking, baby makin, game playin old ones.

My passport finally arrived after two months and I’ve been looking into changes.

So I decided I think I might try to take a six-month to a yearlong teach abroad sabbatical out of the country. The smell of all this bullshit around me is stinging my nose and I’m ready to bounce. Then I can leave all these blues and bridges behind me, but we’ll see………………I heard the blues know how to swim.

CG1

Hope

2007-02-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

My head hurts and I’ve been in bed for about 7 hours now and nothing’s different. I’m not better. I’m not worse.

I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve never given anything up for Lent before, but I started to feel a little hopeless. Not hopeless like my life is bad. It’s great and I’m blessed to be here. I was watching “Amazing Grace” and a former slave said of his survival of the passage aboard the slave ship. “Life is like a thread, it either breaks or it doesn’t”.

My thread is intact and I want to remain unbroken, but I just want more.

As I lay in bed I saw that they had put “Something New” –On Demand. God Bless America for Honoring Black history month for putting Black movies –On Demand.

I wonder if I could get equality—On Demand

Anyway, in this movie, a very nice and cultured White man attempts to woo a very uptight and successful Black woman. I enjoyed the premise and all. I liked a lot of the issues that they exposed about the commingling of races, but most of all I was jealous. I was jealous at how hard this very nice man pursued this very resistive woman when I have experienced no such thing as of late.

I was so jealous that they would put that camera between his and her mouths like that and I could see all of the excitement and expectations of what’s to come. But most of all…. I saw hope.

HOPE………………..Hope for myself

And it’s been hard to see that for a little while. And I know this may make me sound like a holy roller, but I figured if I can still feel it a little I may as well try to jump into the arms of the Lord and try to culture some more of it. So I gave up alcohol for LENT. I’ll probably save money and lose weight too. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I don’t want to be the person next year saying “You know what I gave up for Lent?…Hope”

So up with hope…..up with something new…..up with elaborate montages of me and some nice man painting my toes with Van Hunt singing “Seconds of Pleasure” on the musical score in the background.

Hope lives on that thread

CG1

Stood Up

2007-02-11T00:55:00.000-05:00

Maybe I am supposed to be alone forever. I just got stood up for a date tonight. My sis set me up with this nice respectable young man. You know, not like the riff raff I generally like to kick it with. Poets, dancers, actors, drinkers, comics, poker players, and loose canons in general. He’s about to be a lawyer and such. I guess the Gods are against me. I’ve committed some wrong at some point. I think I reached my men loving me quota too soon. When I was younger, maybe even four years ago, men couldn’t get enough of me. Always asking for my affections and my time. They wanted to see me right away. They made declarations of their appreciation of my character and spunk. Now, not so much. The about to be Lawyer—TEXTED—me a message saying that he was too busy to make our date, but he would—RESCHEDULE—with me in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks. Like I’m a root canal. Those of you who have ever seen me know that I’m not that hard on the eyes, right? I think I’m worth seeing sooner than a couple of weeks later.

Thus, I am alone, all tapped out of adoration. Left only with empty texts to run into at a later date if I press previous too far on my cell phone. The archives of disappointment run pretty current.

I’ll just keep on living ‘til the day I can put Raheem Davaughn’s “Guess who loves you more” on my special ring tones and actually have someone that believes it’s true.

Children of Love/War

2007-02-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

I just arrived back home from seeing this new movie, “Children of Men”. It is a film about how in something like the year 2025 the whole world is in war. Half of it had been bombed completely away. An epidemic spread that began to kill off young children, then women began to become sterile all together. This sounds like a very bleak film, I know. That’s probably why I ended up seeing it alone. But wait, there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Out of nowhere, miraculously, this young girl is pregnant with like the first child in maybe 15 years. Everyone knew it was the signal of a change a comin.

Well, right now, in the eve of this gloriously suffocating holiday we call Valentine’s Day I started thinking about a lot of things. Namely, what if no one could bear children any more unless they were truly in love with the person that they had sex with. Oh, at first it would be great for those people who wanted to sleep around and not worry about pregnancy, but then the numbers of children would dwindle. People in marriages for money, convenience, and arrangements will no longer bear heirs. Men will have no legacy and women will no longer feel kicks of life inside of them.

What would we do? I wonder. Steal children from the people that can still have them. Enforce a lottery so wealthy families may win the children of poorer families that, to them, have so many. OR would we learn to love each other more. Have national hug days. Have lights in clubs, so you can see whom your meeting. Here’s a crazy notion…. have women talk to a man before she shoots him down. Why don’t the men try to get to know a woman before he tries to sleep with her? And why don’t men just try to stop calling us FEMALES like we are lab rats in scientific thesis. I bet you don’t refer to your mother as simply a female… I digress.

I seem to manage with my own failures in love. Hence, why I attend most of the movies I see alone. I just want to do what I want to do. Like Tracy Chapman said, “I don’t want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life”. I want to eat sushi off of a rotating conveyor belt and go see three movies in a row on Sunday and go get trashed at quarter highlife night at Asylum and travel across the world and see operas at the Kennedy Center and camp by the ocean and dance in the middle of an empty party and eat crab legs in the cold outside at the Warf and LIVE, LIVE, LIVE. Or else, I just feel like I’m slowly dying. Like I am. Like we all are, with each breath. The oxygen that gives us life slowly takes it away.

And I stand, yet again, before the Valentine’s Day Gods and ask, who out there will love me. Flawed and finicky. Proud and sensitive. And furthermore, who am I to ask for such things when I’m not sure if I know how to truly love someone myself. The scarier thing is I’m not really sure if I know how to let someone love me.

Perseverence

2007-01-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

I was talking to an acquaintance today and he asked me an interesting question. He asked me if the mistakes you’ve made in your past dictate who you are in the present. I said yes. Mistakes happen sometimes and we learn from them hopefully. I decided a long time ago that if God can forgive me I should try to learn to forgive myself. Yet, within that train of thought I also came to the conclusion that others do not necessarily have to forgive. They are not you and definitely not God. And whereas one must come to terms with their own indiscretions their is no obligation of family or friends to come to terms with it themselves. There is only hope.

Unfortunately, for some, the measure of man is not counted by good intentions. Your progressive thought followed by recessive deed serves only to reinforce what is truly evident. You don’t want to be better; you don’t want to be more. Not yet, maybe just, not right now.

I believe this is where the phrase called having a “Come to Jesus” conversation was derived from. It is a conversation that breaks down the fact that, for whatever reason, you continue to still mess up. And whether you need to pray to God, Vishnu, Buddha, Krishna, Allah, Silesia, Mohammed, or Jesus Christ himself you need to find your way out of this cycle that you are continuing to travel down.

Because in the end it doesn’t really matter how you FEEL, it matters what you DO

True courage is doing what is right even when it hurts

Love

CG1

New Beginnings

2006-12-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today, in the midst of this holiday season, about how the human heart can take so much. Human beings are so resilient and God is so good.

This is eve of our new beginning.

Only good things in 2007

Peace

Sometimes.....

2006-11-29T01:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes seeing other people's sorry attempt at having or looking like their having a good time gives me peace because I know that even on my worst day I'm still bitch slappin more fun out of this life than they ever will!!!! (Mood : Cocky)

Nice try

though

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMEEEESSSS

LUSH LYFE 4 EVER

CG1

2006-11-27T21:52:00.000-05:00

Things I wouldn’t touch with a 39½-foot pole (Mood: Grinchy-if you know what I mean)

People that plan things and then just fall through-no call, no nothing

People that constantly use metaphors in reference to their own lives

People that think people should give a shit about what they do when they have not made one positive contribution to anyone’s day to day existence for real

People that tell you about how they did feel about you when they didn’t act like they liked you that much when you liked them

People that act like they know all about you when they don’t know you at all, they just want to sleep with you or use you or something else not in your plans

The new Mel Gibson movie “Apocolypto”. I don’t want to hear the story of an ancient people from a man that spouts anti-Semitic statements in his spare time. It’s a mockery!!! I’m sure he just thinks they’re like two-legged monkeys

Michael Richards’s apology. He just doesn’t want his ass beat on any Black block in America……which he deserves

Having too much faith that people are more good than bad.

People that run from life in stead of facing this bullshit everyday like me and many others

What I would touch:

My sister that made me leftovers to have in my fridge even though we went out for thanksgiving dinner

My daddy that bought me a passport so as he said I could get out of town if I wanted to

My oldest brother-in-law who slid me some cash just to have fun with because he was in town

Myself because I got my DC tags now, so I can park where I want Bitches ….in DC…..in zone 5

A hope that I could live my life with the love of my family and friends and that be enough, but alas, I LOVE MEN………Damn you David Blaine….. And Damn you bad men for not realizing that I’m a great nice girl who deserves much better than what I’m getting…….what ev’s…… I wear many hats and I’m a baller

These are makings of me
Cup girl 1

Mood for the Day: ENRAGED

2006-11-20T23:03:00.000-05:00

First of all, what the hell!!!! You know I try to act as if I am in an America that still believes in fairness and unity and some levels of equality, but there are certain people that are proving me otherwise. Just two days ago Michael Richards AKA “ The KKK’s newest headliner” had a huge racist tirade on stage towards an audience member…for talking during his set.

Second, of all this issue should make all of America say “What the Hell!!!” This issue causes me such alarm because many Americans feel that racism is gone, over. They feel that Black peoples’ daily anger and resentment for our racial counterparts is unnecessary. It is a nuisance constantly getting in the way of this “peace” and “equality” that this country trying to build. The only problem is, when a so-called reputable White man can stand on stage and say statements that would be considered HIGHLY offensive to more than 20% of the members of this country (and hopefully more) and still have a full audience the next night, something has to be said about the moral of Americans. More to the point, the moral of White America.

There is no such thing as convenient equality. People die for it. People kill for it. People don’t support comics/people that threaten this objective of equality. I sat and read blogs from u-tube patrons stating comments like, “Oh, Kramer’s Hilarious!” and “Kramer’s my Idol”. And even though I know that these people are probably as smart as the Tickle-me-Elmo’s they were bidding on, on Ebay while writing their blog messages, it is still a problem. It’s sickness. White America seems to suffer from prejudice amnesia. Prejudice is swimming through the veins of this country. In a way, it is what defines us.

Well, as all Black people know there was always something fishy about Seinfeld anyway. How they managed to never run into any Black people one a regular basis IN NEW YORK CITY seemed to never strike good ole’ Jerry as odd, right? Where were all the Black People in “Lord of the Rings?” There wasn’t room for not one supporting role in THREE films. And fuck it…why did “Out of Africa” win the Oscar for best film instead of “The Color Purple”???!!!!! Who’s quoting lines from that movie now!!!!!

So fuck Michael Richards, Seinfeld, Friends, Woody Allen Films, anybody that says a phrase with “bootstraps” and “pull up”, Cristal, that Steele guy, Abercrombie and fucking Fitch, and any person that saw that video and thought in their head “It’s not my problem.”

Cup Girl 1

-Searching for a cure for prejudice amnesia

OUR PLEASURE

2006-11-11T20:23:00.000-05:00

At my day job, the men that work on the stock teams wear matching shirts. On the back of these shirts there is some mission statement that implies, I guess, all of the qualities of the fine establishment that I work for. MY reason for the observation is this. These handsome young men walk around day in and day out with these shirts on opening doors for me, saying good morning, and smiling when I walk by. These wonderful men doing their job each day brightening mine and as I read the last line of the back of their shirts that says "Our pleasure", I'm grateful. Some mornings I just wonder exactly what all that code of ethics encompasses because, I promise you all, it is definitely my pleasure.

;) Cup girl 1

Things Fall Apart

2006-11-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

This is what I think and what I feel in terms of people and relationships

Things fall APART when love feels unrealistic

APART when you want someone's love to save you, but YOUR soul is asleep

APART when one person always comes up short

APART when you always want the end when you can't see the beginning or middle

APART when someone can’t listen when the game is on

APART when you feel you always gotta walk this walk alone

APART when pride ALWAYS outweighs humility

APART when someone is always so consumed in self-evaluation to ever see how he treats others

APART when you don’t know what you want, but you know some of what you don’t want

APART when the music is too loud in the background to hear what your saying on the phone

APART when questions are asked, but never answered

APART when self-expression is meant to hurt someone

APART when you know the deal, but break it anyway

APART when it's just too late

But still people want to know why

Highlights

2006-11-02T17:33:00.000-05:00

Today is a day for Highlights

I had a blast this weekend at the Halloween party at my dad’s. He dresses up as a prison inmate every year. This year he decided he need a little more and bought a huge fake silver chain from the State fair to go with it. He is literally off the chain.

One of my friends made a love connection with one of my family members. I won’t say much more. I don’t want to jinx it, but love is a beautiful thing.

I asked someone for their forgiveness this week and they shot me down. I wasn’t saying I was wrong about what I did. I just felt it should have been done in a different way. It felt really right at the time though. Oh well, Jesus just wants us to ask for the forgiveness. Whether the forgiveness is granted or not is really not the point. I just have to try and do my part and let time do the rest.

Halloween in DC was great. I went to a Scary movie on Monday and to bars on Tuesday. I was supposed to be Sug Avery, but I liked this long weave I found so much I decided to be one the Idlewild performers. “Make Way For Your Opening Act”. Black people and long hair!!!!

I’ll be heading back home to NC this weekend for Homecoming. I have always loved Homecoming. Being from where I went to college, I have celebrated my homecoming long before I even knew what homecoming was. First things first, the homecoming parade on Saturday morning. As a child my dad, mom, sister and I would gather in front of my grandmother’s house, which was on the parade route. My Aunt coral would be the first one out there giving the kids stiff competition when the people on floats threw out candy. My grandmother would sit on her porch and watch the parade from afar. They were great days.

As I became older the parade was a day for marching and dancing. I as my sister before me was in my high school marching band. Our most cherished day was marching in the Homecoming parade. We even did our dance break right in front my grandmother’s house. “Six minutes, six minutes, six minutes, Doug E. Fresh your On…..” There was sweat, spats, spit valves, and booty shakin’. Then we’d strip out of uniform, take our box lunch and head across to see the game.

When I went to the homecoming parade as a bonafide NCCU student I was too thrilled. I knew all the people waving on the floats and for the first time, the people on the floats were really waving at me. As I got further along the parade experience took different turns. After I became Greek I would go to breakfasts on the strip before the parade. Where fellow Greeks would joke about how their particular organization was superior to another. All in fun though !!!

Still after all of these years I still meet up with my family at my grand mothers house. It’s a little different, but still wonderful. My parents long since divorced, still come out giving each other cordial hellos, then stand at either side of their offspring. This will be the first year of the parade since my Aunt Coral passed last year. She was a major part of my Homecoming Parade experience and she will be missed. I’ll race some kids for candy for you Aunt Coral.

There’s so much more that happens in between the game, the family members, the parties and all, but I gotta go. I’m meeting some people for happy hour.

CHEERS

H-O-M-E-C-O-M-I-N-G…….It’s Homecoming ya’ll!!!!!!

I Love Men!!!!

2006-10-26T19:22:00.000-04:00

This is just a reiteration of the obvious purpose of this blog. I Love Men!!!!. I have full understanding of the fact that the way that men and women have been relating in current times has been significantly sub par to that of our past. I simply have to talk about the many occasions that have made me love the men that have been in my life.

I love that the man I dated two years ago found me on myspace last week and asked if he could take me to the movies for old time’s sake. He told me about how he still trips out about watching “Clockwork Orange” with me at 4:00 in the morning (crazy movie). I love that my ex-boyfriend from college still calls me Melrockas (my college partying name) when he sees me and invites me to whatever party he’s promoting for. I love the man in the shoe department that asks me everyday when I say Hi to him if I’m flirting with him and then says, “If you are, then it’s working.” Thank you to the man that went with me to my college football game and put his hand on my back every time he accompanied me down the stairs. Thank you to the man that told me last week that I had the best figure in the world. Yes, the world. I love the men that say, “It’s your choice how you wear your hair, relaxed or natural.” I thank the man that knew what that noise was in my car. I love the men that still dance in the club.

I want to say thank you to all the men on the street that tell whatever man I happen to be walking with that he better treat me right. I want to thank the man that made me ginger-lemon tea when I was sick (with real ginger).I want to thank the men that still remember jokes from Eddie Murphy’s stand-up specials (Roll Charlie round on the grill!!). I want to thank the brother that told me that I looked real put together today. I want to thank the men that know the lyrics to old 80’s songs and will sing them with me. I want to thank the stock guys at my job that call me “Bubbles” because they say they love to see me smile. I want to thank the man that made me mix CD’s of all the songs he thought I’d never heard, but he knew I’d love. I want to thank all the men that have taken me places I’ve never been. I want to thank the men that held my hands and kissed the tips of my fingers.

I want to thank all the men that would sing to me (whether good or bad). I want to thank all the men that have written me letters, poems, and emails. I want to thank all the men that use rap song verses in everyday conversation. Thank-you to all of the men that try to keep it real with me. Thank-you to all the men that talk about loving their women and thank-you to the ones that actually do it.

LOVE

Cup Girl 1

I love VH1 Soul!!!!

2006-10-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

This is an ode to VH1 Soul for being a constant positive influence upon my daily outlook. I have to admit to you all that whereas we call this the empty cup, quite often my heart is filled with joy. With the combination of a loving family, good friends, and working at a comedy club a girl can’t help but smile. The main other contribution to my daily betterment lies in within the channel called VH1 soul. This channel dedicated to airing a combination of artists that have music that generally has a positive message. I could watch it all day!!!!

On a daily basis this channel has me leaving the house feeling a combination of empowered, desired, and human. The live music by Dwele, Erykah, Corrin, Floetry, Jilly, and Martin Luther have me feelin deep. So deep. They have me reaffirming that love is good and real. They make me feel like hurt is a lesson in life and there is more joy to come each day. They have me walking out of the house ready for the beauty and surprises God has in store. The old school rap with Oaktown 357, Brand Nubian, early Outkast, has me impressed at how unique we can be in our own genre. The Po Riteous teachers have me wantin’ to rock this funky joint in the name of Allah. And at this very moment Lyfe Jennings is telling me it “Must Be Nice”!!!!

And it is…….

Good Morning

Peace

An open letter to Jay-Z and other rappers

2006-10-20T16:58:00.000-04:00

This is an open letter to all the rappers and artists that talk about women being golddiggers, hoes, and just users in general. I feel there has been an overload of men doing songs about women always trying to manipulate men and trying to take money and other monetary objects from them. The problem with this is that whatever a man gives a woman is his choice and how he met her is a major factor in his relationship with the woman. It’s not like these women were working at their 9-5 job and a basketball player walks in and she decides that instead of supporting herself, she’s just going to let him do it. It doesn’t make sense. If a man doesn’t want a trifflin’ woman, then stop dating women that seem to think you are perfect before you even speak to them.

This phenomenon just doesn’t seem fair to all of the women that go out everyday and work and go out some nights in search of good men. In search of respect and love. These same women that are rearing children by men that have long since gone to be in the game or to just be off on some finding myself bullshit. My father’s mother told him years ago by no provocation whatsoever, “Ashley, never leave your children.” And to this day my father is my best friend. And my faith in him renews my faith in men. But also, I do not understand that after all of these women staying with their sons, caring for their sons, and loving their sons, how a man can go out and express so much hate for women. I don’t understand how a man will go to a club to pick up a woman just to sleep with her, to use her for her body, and then turn around and write a demeaning song about how she asked for a drink.

You see, I know some girls that think they are so-called gold-diggers, but I know more that are looking for loving relationships and end up coming up with the short end of the stick every time. How many women dated Jay-Z and love him and thought he loved them before he rolled up on the virgin Beyonce and decided to make a life change. Unfortunately for many women, as time goes by, men’s indiscretions become their legacy. We have to deal with children by other women, be concerned with STD’s, and be bothered with bad decisions of their past.

I believe the bible said that men’s lot in life for eating the apple was that they had to work and to equal things out women have, menstrual cycles, cramps, and pain of childbirth. Now in 2006 and well before, we have to work too. SO the guys don’t get cramps, huh? No, I guess we just keep doing what we’re doing, huh? Women get objectified as hoes in half the videos and advantageous bitches in the other. Problem is, I don’t know a single women paying her rent as a golddigger. I read some of the “Superhead” book. She was broke the majority of the time. Giving every respectable aspect of herself just to stay afloat.

It just disheartens me altogether because really, I can take care of myself. And I’m sure these women will take care of your babies. But just so you know, it hurts day after day after day after day to have to hear that crap on the radio.

And please believe this, I don’t need shit from you.

I just want love.

Cup Girl 1

Get em "E"!!!!!

2006-10-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

I just came to the revelation that I pretty much want to dress absolutely off the chain all of the time. Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays because you don’t really have to do anything, but get dressed up and act a damn fool!!! I want to wear gillz one day and tu-tu the next. I want to rock my afro during the week and feather ponytail on the weekend. I wanna fight the power in military fatigues on the national mall in the morning and paint the town pink in hot latin mami salsa dress that night. I want hats that look like umbrellas and clothes that look like art.

I was watching VH1 hip-hop honors and the segment that made a tribute to Afrika Bambaataa came on. First of all, Afrika is in full African warrior regalia with a two foot staff that he carries around at all times. Then here comes Erykah Badu in spacesuit that was clearly jacked from the La Belle dressing room in 1977. George Clinton rolls out in what appears to be a cross between an athletic jumpsuit and a teddy bear costume. Of course Andre 3000 graced the stage in his adornments of late, which are basically a 2006 Huck Finn outfit.

This Halloween, I tentatively decided to be “Sug Avery” from “The Color Purple”, just so I could hike me skirt up and sing all night and when I got appropriately rocked I could start telling people, “You shole is uggggly.” And to go even further into the night I can just rock in the corner humming to the tune of “Sister.” I’m so excited.

The point is though, I would like to wear faux snakeskin knee high boots with a pair of marabou wings and a Native American headdress if I feel like it. You know the pesky notion of mental stability never has to come into play with musical artists really. I know I have a 9 to 5, but I just don’t think it should have to hinder me from wearing my “bad fairy” costume from last Halloween with some jeans and my hot pink Steve Madden pumps.

One day soon though, I’m going to do something that is going to make me rich. And when I do the whole world will know it because you are gonna see me walking down the street with a boom box, a C3PO suit on, drinkin a Welch’s grape juice. PIMP

I can’t wait till Halloween!! LUSH LYFE 4ever!!!

Cup Girl 1

"Frank the Tank"

2006-10-16T16:14:00.000-04:00

So I’m barely standing after this weekend’s events. I went to bars, weddings, brunches, karaoke, lunches, socials, work and finally bed. My throat hurts and my nose is stuffy and I felt like death warmed over as I headed into work. You know, I didn’t actually believe that you could do something till the wheels actually fall off. Well, by Sunday, the wheels had fallen off.

I walk into work today with chloroseptic in my pocket, a bit of a cold medicine buzz and prepare to begin my day. I looked at my cell phone to check to see how much closer to break it was, even though I had just arrived. To my surprise I just received a voicemail from my friend Frank. I knew what was about to be on the message. “Melba, it’s Frank, I’m comin’ to town and we’re gonna do some stinkin’ drinkin’!!” I’m barely conscious this morning and now I gotta get it together to go and party by Wednesday!

“Frank the Tank” is what they call him and when we were in college we would party through snow storms, hurricanes, and even blackouts. Through our union as friends the name “Lush Lyfe” was born. Now, almost eight years after our initial meeting there are about forty members of the clan called Lush Lyfe. We even have a yearly scheduling of events (I can’t wait till this year’s Halloween party).

Now, though, I’m a little nervous. I’m getting old now. I have to check my weekend schedule before I accept a second glass of wine these days. I just recently realized that there is nothing you can do to get rid of a hangover. You just hold on and pray to God. I don’t think I’m built to uphold the Lush Lyfe moniker anymore. I’m no goody-goody, but I’m like Danny Glover in the “Lethal Weapon” movies, “I’m getting too old for this shit!”

I’m gonna suck it up though, get some rest, and put my big girl pants on ‘cus Frank the Tank is comin’ to town. And when we get together we party like we punched in for it.

Cup girl 1

Hoodtastical

2006-10-13T18:09:00.000-04:00

Weeeeeeeellllllllll. Now, days after my heartbroken episode I'm feeling much better. I never really considered myself hood, but for some reason my sad state was significantly improved by hood music. I had my car detailed and I was driving down the street listening to the remix version of ice cubes, "Today was a good day." It was making me feel kinda like a pimp, well, somethin like a pimp. Later, I turned on the radio and this wonderful chant came out of the speaker to the tune of something like a children's rhyme. It sang, "Do your chain hang low, do it wobble to the floor............" And strangely it felt good. I was hoodtsastical with my fresh ride and my hot tunes. The issue of my sad state alerted the higher ups i.e. my family and apparently they felt that something had to be done. I left work yesterday to go to Happy hour at Wonderland with my friend V, to yet again bore her with broken record discussions of "What went wrong", when I walked in and saw...totally ouut of the blue...my older sister sitting at the bar having a Whiskey and coke. She came up four hours to see me and help me feel better. That shit is love!!!! A nigga that'll ride for you!!!!! So me, my sis, V, B and my roomate voyaged to the common share for the ListentoLeon.blogspot.com sponsored happy hour at the Common Share. It was great!!! We even got the seats in the VIP front window section. I'll just say we partied it up. I truly realized this when one of my friends layed spread eagle on the floor of the bulletproof chinese resturaunt that's up the street from my house. Not the nicest place to lay your head.

Anyway, life goes on right. It was a good night. I'm gonna have a lot of fun with my fam this weekend. Jilly from Philly said "Hold on to Love." My sister said "There's only room for one star per household." And please believe the star is me.

Holla.....I'ma go ride around D.C. listenin to Ice Cube with all my windows down, cus I'm a Boss.

Sidenote-(T.I. is taking the world by storm with his music. He even got Forest Whitaker to take time off from his awesome film "The King of Scotland" to make a guest appearance on the new T.I./Jamie Foxx colabo "Live in the Sky").

Just like oil on my hands

2006-10-09T08:22:00.000-04:00

As I was walking into work this morning I believed that the birds were talking about. I think they knew. They knew that my heart was broken. I think they were probably saying, “Well, she looks like she’s taking it well.” And another said, “Well, how is she supposed to look, like she just got run over by the love truck?!” This is just an assumption though.

I am brokenhearted today. My sweet, good thing has ended after just shy of two months. The first month was beautiful. The second was just making feeble attempts at recreating the first month. So now here I am, hurting. Everything inside me feels like it wants to leave. My heart wants to pack up and my mind wants to go on vacation because all of this is too much for them right now. Maybe they want to take a cruise and come back when everything gets better.

Right now, everything is worse. Everything is sad. Everywhere in me it rains. I want to hear every sad line of every sad song. I want to hear every line in every poem that fully explains how one’s heart can feel like it is imploding on itself. I want to hear every movie line that asks why you couldn’t love me. I want to rap every rap song that talks about of giving you the keys and the security code.

I want to hear of everyone else that is broken like me. I want to hear of everyone else that feels inconsolable. I want to feel the hurt so that I may feel the healing. I liked him so much (If he ever reads my blog, I liked you so much), but he wouldn’t let me in. He wouldn’t let me be his friend. I found out more about him from his online blogging than from his own mouth. After a while it gets old. Reading about his excitement of getting a chance to see his old college crush at homecoming when I knew he got a single hotel room all by himself for that weekend just wasn’t how I could live anymore. I was “Crazy in Love”, but I wasn’t crazy.

And so it is. I’m going to “Change my name to silly-e-badu” and “you broke me, but I’m healing” and “walk on by so you can’t see my tears” and “I don’t wanna lose your love” and “my eyes are green cus I eat a lot of vegetables” and “love rain down on me” and “maybe we’ll live and learn” and “If I ain’t got you” and “by the time I get to phoenix”

And I want them to play for me today and my broken heart. I want the birds to sing for me today. I want the sky to cry for me today. I want feel the earths hand on my heart, feeling my pain. And after today it will hurt less and I’ll get better. I’ll be alright and I hope he’s alright and life goes on. I hope he has fun at homecoming, cus “I’m a fan in the stands, yes I am and I’m hollering, hey baby, sayin hey baby!” Sniff

Cup Girl 1

Melrockas in tha house

2006-10-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

Melrockas in tha house. Well, people I ventured out for an evening of clubbin. I had my step sis, my home girl from work, and a couple of her friends. Mind you, I sort of had given up on the club. I’ve always loved to dance so the club had always been a great place for me. Almost magical. Dancing to old and new tunes with plethora of people ready to party was my kind of scene. The problem was that, the older I got the more the men wanted and the less they danced. Oh, they wanted to take you to dinner and (ok) breakfast and to a cookout etc…etc…etc. It was like a barrel full of lies. Just stick your hand in. There was always some lame ass prize. Well, I got tired of it and sort of gave up the club.

I received the name Melrockas because my friends said I rocked the party back in my day. In college, any campus, any night, we partied. I would dance for seven hours straight. You would have thought I punched into work. We partied hard. I kept my rep up for a couple years, but age got to me. Later, I invested my time into the pursuits of humanitarian work, personal development and the general building of personal relations.

But tonight, it was the end of a mini era. 1223 was no longer going to be promoted by mad power unit. Clearly I had to show up to celebrate it. I arrived and as expected, the usual barrage of men that had always tried kick it to me to flocked my way. These brothers have the VIP stats and all and want to show me the good life. Chillin in the roped off section while these dudes are wiping my brow from sweat and askin me why I refuse to date them. I give them the soliloquy of how I’m chillin and don’t want a man right now and hope they just “Be Easy”. I’m pretty self-sufficient and I like the aight life and I can date whomever I decide to like, no explanation to it. I smiled and listened though. I never ignore a person speaking with passion.

It was such a good night though. I got to do a little snap dancing. Who could ask for anything more? I got to dance, drink, be surrounded by black people, and even run into Leon of http://ListentoLeon.blogspot.com who got me into wanting to blog.

Aside from dodging the potential feel ups and keeping from cringing from wet cheek kisses from old partiers of my former life I had a great time. I got like ten thousand flyers, almost fell off my heels from dancing, and got the supreme holla treatment from the ghosts of party past. I had a lot of fun. Maybe I’ll rise to the occasion again soon.

P.S. I also saw W. Ellington Felton. I love his song Funky Feeling. Check Myspace

Cup girl 1

The Science of Love

2006-10-01T12:06:00.000-04:00

Well, I went to the movies yesterday to see “the Science of Sleep” with my Cali host/friend Kion. It’s hard to find people that want to see artsy films so being here with Kion is perfect for such things. In high school (say 10 years ago), he was the only one that would accompany me to see “Priscilla Queen of the Desert”. He’s a good friend.

Anyway, the premise of the movie is basically about what happens when one cannot differentiate conscious from unconscious. It was in interesting concept, but the far more interesting concept of this movie was about how confused we can be about love. The whole film deals with the main character’s attraction to a sub–consciously pleasing woman that, apparently to his conscious mind, was not attractive enough for him. Therefore, he constantly tries to make advances on the woman that he really likes friend. The problem with him not liking the sub-conscious woman is, he likes everything about her. He likes that she works with her hands. He likes that she has a big imagination like him, although he’s a little nuts. He likes that she accepts him in the midst of all of his eccentricities.

So he shuts his subconscious lady out in so many ways that she gets his drift, you don’t want me. Not that she thinks he doesn’t care for her. She knows he loves her, but there’s just too much shit in his head factoring between love and lust (and for him awake and asleep) to endure so much pain. The science of love is so complicated. Even when we know we should leave, we stay. And like in this movie, most of the time, we know that the people we love do love us. Just not enough or not in the right way. Not that there is a right way, just a way that is right for you.

But, alas, as most French movies end you don’t know if they stay together. You don’t know if there is a happy ending. In America, we want everyone to say that it will be OK. The French are kind of like, sometimes it’s not. I like that. It keeps me from feeling like everyone else’s life is less confusing than mine. It makes me feel like it is perfectly understandable, for at least a little while, to like someone that you have no real assurance as to how much they like you. And like in this movie, in the end, we all just hope for the happy ending, but are grateful for at least the truth.

Cup Girl 1

True Skillz

2006-09-30T14:33:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching "Wet Hot American Summer" for the second time today. It's kind of odd in the similar genre of the 80's classic "Better Off Dead". It's one of those off the wall, overdone movies that barely gets a single star in any critic's review. Nonetheless, any movie that has a slow clap, an impromptu dance sequence, AND a dramatic montage is a movie for me.

My most enlightened moment in this movie was the realization that Christopher Meloni is the shit. For those who don't know Christopher Meloni he plays the hot-headed investigator on the much syndicated "Law and Order SVU". ( I truly believe that "Law and Order" is playing on some channel somewhere in every hour of every day). Back to the point, Christopher has played some of the toughest roles on TV. He's been everything evil that can be put on TV, but still managed to display profound comedic genius in this movie. The dude stole the show. I thought I was just going to fall off the couch, that has been doubling as my bed during this trip, while watching him in this film. I just believe that any man that can believably rape a man in one show(OZ) and then turn around and have a serious conversation with a can of mixed vegetables in the next(Wet Hot American Summer) truly has skillz. I felt I should share. Enjoy

Cup girl 1

That bitch set me up!!!!!!! I'll explain!!!!

2006-09-30T12:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m out here in Cali visiting friends. It’s beautiful out here!!!!! I left D.C. with an odd sort of worry. I was worried that possibly the police might kick in my door and raid the place in search of crack or crack paraphernalia. I know it’s an odd thought, but I recently came to find out that my roommate has been gallivanting around town for the last week with a fairly infamous political figure. This particular political figure was once well known for a taped drug bust of him smoking crack. And I found out from my stepsister that from that very bust the quote “That Bitch Set Me Up” was born. Well, I haven’t gotten any calls yet.

Anyway, back to how beautiful it is out here. It’s the kind of beautiful that makes me think I need to go back home before I start to think I should live like this. I probably could, but I would be kind of far from my family and I might sucuum to my delusions of grandiose. You see I’ve always thought that I could pretty much achieve stardom, fame and fortune if only I had time in my busy life (i.e. trying to pay my back taxes, vehicle fees, and rent so I won’t go to jail) to pursue it. I, in the back of my mind, truly believed that with just a little effort I could be the special guest for the likes of TV shows like Leno or Letterman or maybe just the Jimmy Kimmel show.

So, my second day in Cali, here’s me and my local liaison/friend Kion trying to get into the Jimmy Kimmel Show to be members of the live studio audience. They informed Kion that the tickets were sold out, but through some coaxing they said they could offer us something else. A chance to appear on a segment called, “You catch it, you keep it”. In this segment some guy called uncle whoever (note the increasing disdain) throws stuff off the studio balcony and if the people chosen from the audience catch it then they get to keep it. At first I thought obnoxiously, that this may reflect negatively on my flourishing acting career, but I convinced myself otherwise and proceeded. Before the show began everyone was on the kissing my ass train, all yukking it up professing we love your energy…blah…. blah…blah! They were grade “A” Hollywood ass kissers. Before my part the producer woman prepping/hazing us told me to make sure I project my voice, shortly before saying to everyone, “Don’t you all try to be funny, it never works.”

Ten minutes later I’m standing amidst lights and cameras in an umpire suit with a baseball glove preparing for the action. My segment comes up; I catch a pair of boxing gloves. Kion’s part comes up; he almost gets crushed by a 12 pack of Charmin. I told my family that I was on TV and headed home to catch it on TV at 12:05. I was exhausted. My body is still on east coast time which means that technically the show was on at 3:05AM.

I managed to stay up long enough to see the guy that had gone on before me win an Elmo doll and ODDLY the guy that went on after me win an Ipod. I even saw Kion dodge for his life from the Charmin they bulleted at him on the show. Wait a sec, there was no me. I watched until the very end of the show. Aside from a brief cameo of me fully suited up to apparently catch nothing but shattered hopes my scene was not aired.

To make this whole story all the more sad, I think the woman knew I wasn’t going to be aired. The woman knew!!!! In the words of an infamous DC politician who shall remain nameless, “That Bitch Set Me Up”. Before I left she made me trade my nice new boxing gloves (that I allegedly caught to keep) for some old shitty ones that I believe they salvaged from the very depths of hell. Kion got to keep his toilet paper!!!!! Well, at least I didn’t cut into my eminent future of fame. I would hate to be on one of those, “Before They Were Famous”; specials’ that show all of the gigs you did when you first started out just so you could eat. Oh well, they say that TV edit outs are all part of the biz, but as yelled last week by my 56 year old father at the entrance of a health clinic that refused to look at his biker’s ankle because they insinuated that he wasn’t a real athlete………..WELL AIN’T THIS DAMN PRECIOUS!!!!

Cup Girl 1

the empty cup girls

2006-08-29T13:22:00.000-04:00

We decided to keep this blog pretty anonymous, because we plan on talking A LOT of shit! The name "Empty Cup" comes from the fact that we, like many of you, spend a good number of our days walking around with our cups on the verge of running over. We're just waiting for the next attitudinal negro or well-meaning White person to say something crazy, so we can amp! The Empty Cup is a place to do just that - empty your cup. If you are sweatin' your ass off trying to be a good spirit filled person in the midst of a world that is dead set on testing your limitations, then you know where we're coming from. Chances are we'll have something to say that makes you scream, "Amen" or completely offends you. Either way, it's keeping OUR cups from running over - and it is, afterall, OUR damn site!

- Cup Girl 2